| what about me? |
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| 27.11.09 @ 1727 |
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mood:  cold music: Roger Sanchez - another chance (this song always makes me sad)
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I don;’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just not myself. Ok – so I know part of what’s wrong and I’m pmsing which equals bouts of tears and foetus position curling in the sofa. I was tearing up reading paranormal mush this afternoon and getting pissy at the slightest disturbance. The best place for me is up here in my room. At least I have the cats. Though they are only hiding in here with me coz this was the quietest place to be while littlely was here for the night.
I had a good first few days of my hols. Was around a load of friends and made to not feel like the recluse I’ve been becoming. Of course birthdays mean getting messages from people that I’m not quite sure I want to hear from and feeling depressed that I don’t hear from the people I really need to hear from. I feel so isolated from people nowadays. I’m too tired to deal with people, even the people I want to. I worry that I’m just not good company any more and pull people down to depressed way of thinking. Or that I’m stuck in my own little world thinking everything’s fine, when they aren’t the friends I think they are. Or maybe it’s the other way round. I’m a good friend, aren’t I. Maybe that’s it. I’ve put up a lot of brick walls recently, to stop myself from being hurt again. Keep people away so that they can’t hurt me. Ignore it and maybe it’ll work itself out while inwardly my heads screaming at me and my heart clenches tightly as is an invisible fist is closing firmly about it.
Being around people makes it all the more apparent. I get a little taster, remember what it was like. But always I return to this, whatever it is I have. And yet, despite how I push people away, the loneliness eats at me. And when I do make the effort to reach out there seems to be no one around. I’m sick of reaching out to the wrong people.
Having Suzu over was wonderful. I forgot how long it had been since I last saw her. I miss Suzu, miss the closeness, where we just wrap each other in big hugs and seem to stay that way. Doesn’t matter how long. Might be a moment before she goes for one of my weak spots at my side and I’m reduced to a squirming mass or all through a movie with her pawing my hair or me petting hers. It’s always been a tactile friendship! Like on Tuesday with her using my butt as a cushion. I am myself with her. Something I am with so few people. I can count them on my left hand. I used to think there were more but as time goes on I’ve discovered that I’m always trying to prove something to some people, make sure that I’m a part of their life and that I’m remembered. That isn’t what makes a friendship is it? Feeling you have to prove that what you have with them is strong. That you don’t make a fool out of yourself. That it – whatever it is you have - won’t break. That you have to do the pushing to keep it alive? Or feel yourself asking – what about me? When you realise you’ve been left behind.
I have seemed to have lost a cat somewhere amid my whining. He’s probably as sick of my whingeing as I am.
Feel like I should put something less low in my post.
Perhaps that I’ve eaten an insane amount of Sushi and noodles over that past week? That I’ve scoffed squid 4 days out of the 7? That despite feeling low mentally, I’ve never felt so confidant about my body? I’ve got 3 dresses now. I’ve not had a dress since I was 15. Can’t wait to wear my black one to the Work Christmas Party. I’m thinking of treating myself to a new pair of shoes for it too! Not long now. Really must get present buying. Next post will be more positive. Maybe with pictures of Nikki’s lovely dog Willow. And of mine and Suzu’s piles of plates at Yo-sushi! Will see… |
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| 12.08.09 @ 1348 |
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Sometimes I really really hate my job. Felt like crying today, which is not good. Maybe it's a sign. |
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| Am in a moping, memeing mood. |
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| 28.06.09 @ 2139 |
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music: Glaring Dream - Gravitation.
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Work sucks. Haven't been happy my first week back. Miserable in fact. Even considered picking up a jobs paper on Thurs. Chose a hell of a week to come back mind you - with the stock take and the changeover and everyone seeming quite manic and pissed off. Left me counting the days till my next holiday. Am missing Becs so much which is prolly not helping. It's always the same. I'll get over it - she's there and I'm here and our lives are apart for the most part till we manage to spend a small part of the year together again and then it's over and I'm back to missing her and wishing ...
Anyway it all sucks and makes me feel depressed. I'm dealing but it doesn't help when Katie keeps asking if I'm ok when I think I'm doing ok not showing it and I really don't wanna go down that line of convo coz I know exactly where it will end up and I don’t wanna have to deal with that uncomfortableness again.
I'm oddly disturbed at how quickly I've been working my way through Briggs - Mercedes Thompson series. I have resisted starting Iron Kissed but what’s worse is that it’s not so much to make them last, more that I’m totally stuck wanting Mercy to end up with Sam and I really don’t think it’s going to happen and I’m in the kind of emotional state that I might just cry if she ends up with Adam, even though I really think they are good together.
I am not getting all this Hetalia hate. I understand how it’s got this scarly big fandom going on (especially for a series that wasn’t going to even get aired). I look in on it now and again, if only to see someone else zomging over how absolutely adorable Italy and the Holy Roman Empire are together etc. But there seems to be some serious hate going on for the series too. Alas. Some people clearly don't appreciate it's awesomeness!
Memage swipped from Becs.
( Read more... )
Back to work tomorrow - early. And dreading it. Specially with Christine coming early for an all day visit. Makes me feel sick to my stomach. Save me someone?! At least soaking in the tub for a good long while has left me feeling slightly better.
random note - Am amused by all these random movie spoofs in tonight’s Family Guy. I wanna rewatch The Goonies now! |
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| It's true. |
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| 23.06.09 @ 2132 |
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If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.
I hope the people out there who this is for know who they are coz, you know, my life would be all the poorer without you in it. It doesn’t bear thinking about! x |
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| Bloody anime! |
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| 09.06.09 @ 1020 |
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Damn it all. I knew it was going to happen. I've spent the last 9 weeks mentally preparing myself for it but that didn't stop me sobbing like a baby - especially with Elicia crying at the funeral. Bloody FMA. And now I've gotta pull myself together and get ready to go over Cazs when all I wanna do is hide under my quilt cover and whine about the injustice of it all. *sniffs and rubs at her puffy eyes* It was bad enough with 07-Ghost the other day. Am still trying to get over that one. ;_; |
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| 149 – I have no life! |
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| 14.03.09 @ 2109 |
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music: Mr T - Mr T is gospel!
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SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, post to your LJ and paste this as a note. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, erase the other person's x's if they don't apply, add up your x's, and use your number as the header.
( ) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(X) Boondock Saints...
( Read more... )
Equals... I clearly have no life meep |
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| Update - wow aint I good! |
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| 11.02.09 @ 2236 |
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music: Gundam 00 - Ash Like Snow <-- god I love this song. >
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• Ok so that was all rather anticlimactic – and undignified. All that hard work for nothing. ¬_¬ But at least it’s all over now! Lol Nurse Ann was a very nice lady even though the way she told me where to go was very much in a – please assume the position – kinda manor. And Pepper was… slightly intimidating. I remember being a kid and thinking she was lovely and friendly and … and well during my appointment I was kinda like --> o_0 ... Felt damn nervous – like then you’re in an interview and your voice gives out mid sentence – that’s what happened. And it’s not over – she’s going to refer me to a dermatologist. *sighs* God bless bloody dyshidrotic dermatitis. Least I have a name for it now, though. *rolls eyes*
• Had a nice day over Caz’s. Nathan was a right sweety. He’s so bloody cute when he’s not misbehaving. At one stage after school both he and Lucy were sat on my lap, snuggling in, while they watched Horrid Henry. Gave me the warm fuzzys! NOT! I’d just like to say in the – awwww it makes me change my mind about wanting kids! *snorts* more gave me a nice we love our Aunty feeling.
• I bought my new DVD player. A bargain at £24 and despite it being Region 2 I found a lovely sight with a overide code for it. Woot! And am now having fun putting lots of eps onto data discs to play on it! So far I’ve jumped from watching Gundam 00 to Deathnote to Monster Rancher to Kuroshitsuji. *_* This makes me way happy – even despite the occasional freezing that happens on some of the larger discs – usually when there’s a fair bit of action going on >_< And was SOOOO much easier to instal than mam and dads, what with the fiasco of yesterday. So yes, have spent the night putting random stuff onto dvd rather that continue the long task of adding stuff to my new 1000 gig external. Must think up name for him!
• And not only did I get that – we’d bought a few things – to take the total over £50 so we could get cheap petrol ^_^; only to look at the receipt at the end and see I’d been overcharged for one of the dvds. Took it to customer services and after about 5 mins worth of faffing on by a woman who clearly had no clue about the returns/exchange policy, the nice lady who was clearly Miss boss swooped in to help, gave me my money back and said we could just keep the dvd. Woot! Free dvd! That certainly doesn’t happen every day.
• I am a very bad person *wipes drool from side of mouth* I feel very naughty and wrong but damn it she’s hot. ><
• Am full of lovely pizza and shall now go and finish off the last bit of cakey!
• MUST finish my anime op/ends of 2008. I keep telling myself every time I hear one of the songs on my list. Damn it - gotta work out the m in order of chart # |
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| Happy Birthday to you! |
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| 29.10.08 @ 2201 |
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Just a wee note to say ...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOOBIE!!!!!!
Don't worry, I'm right behind you! 1/4 of a century... who'd have thought it. And we soo need to get licence plates for our zimmers!
LADY LOVE!!! XXX |
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| mental wanksting |
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| 14.10.08 @ 2157 |
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music: woodale - keep driving
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Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Why the hell can't I sort my fucking head out.
I'm sick of feeling like this.
Of being confused and scared and not knowing what to do about it.
There really isn't anyone who I can willingly talk to about this. It leaves me feeling really lost! But it's not like that's new.
I wish... I don't know what I wish and maybe this has been the problem. Or I know what it is I wish but admitting it will just cause more hurt and confusion. And I really can't bear to go there.
Sometimes I really hate days off work. They give me way too much time to think.
*takes a very deep breath*
On a slightly brighter note - am watching Dawn Porter: Geisha girl. Me likes these programs with her. And seeing her having her maiko make over is verrry nice ^_^ thought I think she should have been been left without the makeup. *chuckles* she did make a rather angry maiko. |
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| meming |
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| 28.09.08 @ 2154 |
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Off tomorrow to do some photoshoots with my Boobie. yeys for boobie time! Must finish finding clothes to wear! But yay for Wagamamas!
Then off to London on Tuesday. Will not say how much these tickets have coz except for OMG! lol will be reducing manga buying muchly!!! Though nothing will stop me from buying loveless 8!!!! Boohoo. But seeing Becs will be worth it. My stomachs fluttering like mad. Heh when it's not wailing ouch ouch ouch at me. damn being female.
Did random meme while watching Pans Labyrinth. Know I will blubber. As is the way.
( Read more... ) |
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| smile for the birdy |
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| 16.09.08 @ 2111 |
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I had one hell of a headache when I got up this morning. Woke feeling sick to my stomace and in so much pain I barely made it downstairs to try and take some pills. I can only imagine how bad people who suffer chronic migraines must suffer!
Thankfully my tranquiliser tablets kicked in and was able to finish off my housework for mams return tomorrow. Did the kitchen last night when I got in from my late. lol then promptly flaked out on the couch.
But to put a lovely spin on a bad start to the day me and dad had a lovely surprise in the garden when we looked out the window. A family of 9 long tailed tits swooped in to attack out fat ball feeder. It was absolutely wonderful! Really, highlight to my day! Managed to grab my camera and nab a lovely video of the second wave of the feeding frenzy attack before the disappeared in a blur of back and white.
Here's my best snap. lol I thought they were very organised. Not one squabble broke out.
Have agreed with Christine to do some modelling for her fashion shooty thing she's doing. Have no clue how this will turn out. Prolly god awful. Me trying to do sexy tends not to work >__< But shall bring a range of tights, fishnets and the likes and nice high heeled shoes. *_* and I will get to see my Hentai lady. Which means everything to me. I miss her lots and lots.
And on a last note - I am working with a yaoi fangirl. She ships 3x4 and 1x2 woot! otp! And even though she's going to be moved to the basement this leaves me chipper coz >< a. way more work will be done since we have to hold back our strong fangirling urges to fangirl at the counter and b. we'll get to have dinners together and be able to natter and possibly go for Starbucks after work when were on earlys. I are very happy. |
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| hajimafu! |
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| 18.08.08 @ 0136 |
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mood:  excited
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OMG The Deathnote ova dvd comes... in a mini deathnote case. *squees* Threw myself on it in the Planet. It is mine. mrahahaha
That is all. |
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| bye byes |
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| 15.08.08 @ 2243 |
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mood:  drunk music: Dragonforce - Through The Fire And Flames
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After a complete arse up with my shift today, and a day running about like a headless chicken and getting very little work done at all - I went out for Matt and Vicky's leaving do and my lord did I get tipsy. So much so that I was getting kinda concerned about how well I'd be able to up from the table and walk to the bus stop. Never mind my hour long bus journey home. heh
I was in charge of gifts for Matt >< Why do I always get chosen to get stuff for blokes? So I got him Watchmen and another random graphic novel and a pile of double deckers and I painted him a Dogtanian top! Which he liked lots (am so relieved) or at least I think :P and a money bag of the leftover change. So then he comes back from the bar with double black gin shots >< of course he doesn'tt tell us this till after we've 'cheered' and knocked them back. My lord my heads still woozy.
Got quite sad at the bus stop. I blaime playing sad Ghibli music. I really am going to miss him lots. He made me feel really comfortable at Grey street and helped me settle lots when we transfered. The place won't be the same. *sighs*
grrr this has taken way too long to type out. |
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| Dana dana dana dana batman!!!! |
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| 24.07.08 @ 2359 |
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mood:  well chuffed! music: ¬_¬ big brother live
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All I have to say is that the Black Knight is soooo made of teh win. Went to see it with peoples from work. And omg. Heath Ledger was just wow! Am absolutely shattered - literally just got in and curled up in bed, basking in the afterglow. Still grinning. We all were. In fact everyone leaving the screening had huge smiles. Yush. Awesome movie. Can't wait to see it again! |
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| The Erin Word. |
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| 22.07.08 @ 2120 |
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Erin is on the F word really soon. >< Is it kinda sad that I'm excited *grins* in oh so many ways *smirks* to see her.
That is all. :p Tis over. She was beautiful but now is gone.
In other new - OMG my arms hurt! Bought 'Asterix at the olymic games' for the Wii and dear lord. The pain! |
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| kyo! fun days of doing sod all coming to an end. |
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| 13.07.08 @ 1920 |
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music: hoosiers - worried about ray
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Am watching T in the park and really all I can think of, while watching Amy Winehouse singing is how sad and tired she looks. Din't know what to expect. Didn't really think she'd actually be there. I'm not a fan of hers. He songs arn't bad but. Lordy. Watching her stomping her feet and wobbling about is just depressing, especially as you can't understand half of what she's singing.
Back to work tomorrow. Soo don't want to go! Shitty shifts suck! Can't believe 2 weeks have passed! Of course the rents are away now. >< Have been good and kept the cats and the birds outside fed and watered *rolls eyes* OHOHOH but I did have a wonderful suprise the other night when I went to put the food out for the hegehogs only to have one staring at the empty plate from the night before. Took off like it had a rocket up its butt. heh. But way cute. I knew we had some but I was yet to see one.
Off to start preps for tomorrow. *yawns* after a few late nights writing naughties I really must get my head down. That is if I can stop watching Shugo Chara! Have no clue why I'm liking it. Brain does hurt slightly after each
oooh Hoosiers on. Me likes. Should be interesting to see them singing live. |
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| Yes - Alive...ish... still recovering from Sats The Doctor. |
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| 07.07.08 @ 2002 |
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music: The Pierces---Secret
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Not been a well girl today. Mam picked up some Feminax for me to try out, given the sheer omg pain I've been in. They didn't work all that well to kill off my pain and now I'm getting the some of the sideeffects. Glad I stopped taking them the other day if this is how I'm reacing. So much for plans to go out to Sunderland today, weather aside. Maybe tomorrow.
So me and dad spent the day indulging in Judge Judy and Devil wears prada. Am much tea and coffee. Now have asuch an urge to go and buy some new shoes. ><
Watched the original 1967 Asterix the gaul movie. LOL So glad I got into the later movies else I might have never understood his greatest. Still baffles me that Getafix was called Panoramix and Cacofonix was getsomemusix. Meh! So glad they pulled it together, ten years later, when they did Asterix in Britain.
Slave Breakers has borked my brain. There was stuff that bugged me but it's too had to find any form of a slave fic that has decent content. Damn you Suzu. chu. It's made me revisit some of the old fics I've read over the years and STILL there's no updates. Like Bridlewood ;_;
Can't believe my first week of hol is already over. Boohoo. Done very little! Shall venture out of the house at some stage. May do some fabric painting or there's always the pron that I promised Ellie. Kinda promised myself, too. hehe. I don't know. What is it about being on that gets you so sensitive so easily? LOL prolly answers why I was putty in Suzu's hands on Thursday night. Brain was reduced to utter mush.
May try and hunt down the new Jones book tomorrow. Squeee Howl! So could do with doing some fandoodles but for some reason I can't draw anything worth crap at the moment. Woe is me. And just when I'm so in the mood. :P |
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| Birthdayy wishes!!!!!!!! |
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| 25.06.08 @ 0925 |
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Am about to get ready to head off to work for the ebilist shift eva - for an ordit with could end at 10pm upto 1am. But before I do just needed to say - HAPPY BIRTHDAY SUZU!!!!! *nuzzles* I'm really sorry I had to cancel our plans for tonight coz of this stupid audit. You know Id so prefer to spend my night having fun with you. But tomorrow!!! So yush - have a great day. Don't work too hard at uni >_< and I'll see you 4:30 sharp tomorrow. |
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| fandoming |
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| 21.06.08 @ 2226 |
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Is it rather wrong that I got seriously excited when Rose made her appearance. Good ep! Very.. finally. You can always tell when its R.T Davies who's come up with the script.
Day off tomorrow after a manic week. Though I did spend a fun Thursday out playing with Suzu. Went to the Baltic to see the Yoshitomo Nara exibit which was rather cool! We were like little kids in a candy store. I really hope she'll be free over my hols to come play some more ¬¬ though I may have something to say if she spends all her time playing with my wii and not me :P heh
Rents are off on hol to Italy. Am jelous! puuu off on their hols at the end of mine. No chance of me going with them though given my passport was ballsed up and I need to get it redone *sighs* maybe for my next hols... will be nice to do very little while I'm off anyway. ^^ looking forward to doing some boosales. woot. |
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hell_san's journal